Scene 4: Quite Contrary Mary

E: Here’s the kitchen.

A: Wow! It’s sooo big!

E: I guess. Hello, Mary!

M: Elliot! Heavens to Betsy! Look at you! What an honour to have the lard of the manner in my kitchen!

E: You mean, Lord.

M: Iffen you keep stealing my hot apple pies from the cooling window and the silver bells from my garden, you will get fat, little master. So until the thievery stops, you are the lard of the manner, as far as I’m concerned. Hahaha!

A: Excuse me, Miss Mary – how are silver bells to make Elliot fat?

M: Gasp! Oh my saints, look what you’ve brought along with you, little master! Who is this?!

A: I’m Alice.

E: Yes, Mary. I’m giving her a tour of the house.

A: And what a lovely and exciting house it is!

M: Yes. It is that. Well I’m Mary. I do all the cooking for the Apple Tree House.

A: You said your silver bells would make Elliot fat – what did you mean by that?

M: Why, I meant precisely what I said, little maid. Have you never had a silver bell?

A: Not to eat, if that’s what you mean.

E: She’s new, Mary. You should give her one.

M: Quite. Let me just grab one from the pantry. So what do you think of the house, Miz Alice?

A: It’s quite spectacular, ma’am.

M: It is that, for sure. Have you seen the attic yet?

E: No, Mary, she has not.

M: Here you are, sweet thing. A home grown silver bell from my very own garden!

E: They’re not as good as her cockleshells, but I like them quite well.

A: Oh my goodness! Hahahaha! Oh my goodness, goodness!

E: Hahaha! You said that already, Alice. They’re pretty good, right?

A: Oh Elliot! Hahahahaha! Pretty good?! I have never tasted anything quite so magical in all of my life!

M: Hahaha! I’m so glad you like them. They take 20 years to grow. How do you feel?

A: I feel light as a feather, and as warm as a cup of tea! I feel like I can see through the walls of the house! WOW!

M: Then it was 20 years well spent.

A: What’s in the attic, anyway, Elliot?

M: Oh, nothing much. It’s actually quite simple if you ask me. But it is probably the last room in the house you will see.

A: If it is so simple, then why did you bring it up?

M: Sometimes the simplest things are the most precious. I love the attic, myself.

A: Why?

M: It’s just so quiet. So peaceful. You may have noticed this house can be a bit loud at times.

A: Yeah, I met Uncle Nic.

M: Hmmm. Yes. He is something special.

E: Well, we had better get going, Mary.

M: Actually, Master Elliot, I’m glad you dropped by, because I think I found something of yours…. Here. You know how I feel about you leaving things in my kitchen.

A: Miss Mary, that’s a stick of butter…

M: Yes, well, I thought so too. Until I turned out the lights in the kitchen. Here – watch this.

A: Whoa! Why is it glowing like that?

M: My guess is there is something inside of it. Why must you always hide your things in my kitchen, Master Elliot?

E: Hmm. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Miss Mary. I will take this butter off of your hands – oh and these biscuits, and this jam as well! In fact, would it be too much trouble to have some tea made?

M: I suppose . . .

E: Just have Jeeves set it all up in the study, won’t you?

M: Right, sir. I shall get right on that.

A: Thank you for the silver bell, Mary.

M: Not to worry. Maybe one day you can help me in my garden and see how they are grown. I am always looking for more maids to stand in a row for me.

A: It was a pleasure to meet you, Miss Mary.

M: On the Contrary, Alice. The pleasure was all mine.

~j.d.schofield