Gilbert and Sullivan are Dead

~Kristin Post


[Sull = Sullivan / Gil = Gilbert]


(Sull is sitting, flipping a coin repeatedly. With each flip, Gil is calling out his own name.)


Gil: Gil.


Gil: Gil.


Gil: Gil.


Gil: Gil.


Gil: Gil.


Sull (pausing the coin tossing): Don’t you mean “heads”?


Gil: Heads?


Sull: Yeah, heads.


Gil: Only need one.


Sull: Yes, but—


Gil: –that’s called “tails.”


Sull: What is?


Gil: Butt.


Sull: I didn’t say “butt.”


Gil: You did. You said, “Yes, butt.”


Sull: No, that… Nevermind.


Gil: Mind is heads.


Sull: Yours is heads?


Gil: No. Mind. Mind is heads.


Sull: Forget it.


Gil: Get it? I wasn’t joking.


Sull: Everyone thinks we were.


Gil: We were.


Sull: Were we?


Gil: I thought so.


Sull: With your heads?


Gil: Head.


Sull (flipping coin): Tails.


Gil: Gil.


Sull: Sull.


(Enter King.)


King: Halt! An audience!


Gil: What, us?


Sull: Us are an audience?


Gil: WE are an audience.


Sull: Oh.


King: Will you listen to me play?


Gil: Play what?


King: A part.


Sull: Part of what?


King: A play.


Gil: Play apart a play?


King: Yes. Play a part of a play.


Sull: Oh, that’s different. Gil, that’s different.


Gil (to King): Yes, but who are you?


King: A Player.


Sull: A what?


Gil: Don’t know.


Sull: Can’t make heads nor tails of it.


Gil: Player what?


King: Player King.


Sull: Pirate King?


King: Yes, indeed! I am a Pirate King!


Gil: What do you pirate?


King: The seas mostly. The shore, sometimesly. Land, hardly everly.


Sull: So you are a Pirate.


Gil: Pirate King.


King: Player King.


Sull: So you are not a Pirate?


King: Only when the rum is all gone.


Gil: Why is the rum all gone?


King: That is the question.


Sull: Player Pirate King.


Gil: The question is why they laugh.


Sull: At his plays?


Gil: No, ours.


King: More rum.


Sull: Yum?


Gil: Yum-yum.


Sull: Sounds dumb.


Gil: It’ll work. Make it Japanese.


Sull: The audience will eat it up.


King: I’ve lost my effects.


Gil: Where’d you put them?


Sull: No, Gil. His effect. On us.


Gil: We’re a bad audience.


Sull: No, Gil. I stole his effects. Here is your letter, sir. (hands letter to King)


King: Actually, I was supposed to deliver it to you. (hands letter back to Sull)


Gil: Oh look, a letter!


Sull: Is that all?


Gil: You want more?


Sull: Seems very dull.


King: You could use more variety.


Gil: You want us to be players?


King: Everything you do is the same.


Sull: We are writers, Gil. To the death.


Gil: Can you at least tell us where we are?


Sull: The Black Pearl.


King: The HMS Pinafore, of course.


Gil: A pinafore?


Sull: No, Gil. A ship.


Gil: A ship as big as a pinafore, then.


Sull: Certainly.


Gil: That’s why he’s King of the Pinafore.


Sull: Yes. (to King) Thank you for that drama. Most moving.


King: Likewise. (He exits.)


Gil: We are, you know.


Sull: What?


Gil: Moving.


Sull: Where?


Gil: I don’t know.


Sull (starts flipping coin): Gil.


Sull: Gil.


Sull: Gil.


Sull: Gil.


Sull: Gil.


Gil: We need more action!


King (from off): PIRATE ATTACK!!

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