Gilbert and Sullivan are Dead

~Kristin Post

 

[Sull = Sullivan / Gil = Gilbert]

 

(Sull is sitting, flipping a coin repeatedly. With each flip, Gil is calling out his own name.)

 

Gil: Gil.

(flip)

Gil: Gil.

(flip)

Gil: Gil.

(flip)

Gil: Gil.

(flip)

Gil: Gil.

 

Sull (pausing the coin tossing): Don’t you mean “heads”?

 

Gil: Heads?

 

Sull: Yeah, heads.

 

Gil: Only need one.

 

Sull: Yes, but—

 

Gil: –that’s called “tails.”

 

Sull: What is?

 

Gil: Butt.

 

Sull: I didn’t say “butt.”

 

Gil: You did. You said, “Yes, butt.”

 

Sull: No, that… Nevermind.

 

Gil: Mind is heads.

 

Sull: Yours is heads?

 

Gil: No. Mind. Mind is heads.

 

Sull: Forget it.

 

Gil: Get it? I wasn’t joking.

 

Sull: Everyone thinks we were.

 

Gil: We were.

 

Sull: Were we?

 

Gil: I thought so.

 

Sull: With your heads?

 

Gil: Head.

 

Sull (flipping coin): Tails.

 

Gil: Gil.

 

Sull: Sull.

 

(Enter King.)

 

King: Halt! An audience!

 

Gil: What, us?

 

Sull: Us are an audience?

 

Gil: WE are an audience.

 

Sull: Oh.

 

King: Will you listen to me play?

 

Gil: Play what?

 

King: A part.

 

Sull: Part of what?

 

King: A play.

 

Gil: Play apart a play?

 

King: Yes. Play a part of a play.

 

Sull: Oh, that’s different. Gil, that’s different.

 

Gil (to King): Yes, but who are you?

 

King: A Player.

 

Sull: A what?

 

Gil: Don’t know.

 

Sull: Can’t make heads nor tails of it.

 

Gil: Player what?

 

King: Player King.

 

Sull: Pirate King?

 

King: Yes, indeed! I am a Pirate King!

 

Gil: What do you pirate?

 

King: The seas mostly. The shore, sometimesly. Land, hardly everly.

 

Sull: So you are a Pirate.

 

Gil: Pirate King.

 

King: Player King.

 

Sull: So you are not a Pirate?

 

King: Only when the rum is all gone.

 

Gil: Why is the rum all gone?

 

King: That is the question.

 

Sull: Player Pirate King.

 

Gil: The question is why they laugh.

 

Sull: At his plays?

 

Gil: No, ours.

 

King: More rum.

 

Sull: Yum?

 

Gil: Yum-yum.

 

Sull: Sounds dumb.

 

Gil: It’ll work. Make it Japanese.

 

Sull: The audience will eat it up.

 

King: I’ve lost my effects.

 

Gil: Where’d you put them?

 

Sull: No, Gil. His effect. On us.

 

Gil: We’re a bad audience.

 

Sull: No, Gil. I stole his effects. Here is your letter, sir. (hands letter to King)

 

King: Actually, I was supposed to deliver it to you. (hands letter back to Sull)

 

Gil: Oh look, a letter!

 

Sull: Is that all?

 

Gil: You want more?

 

Sull: Seems very dull.

 

King: You could use more variety.

 

Gil: You want us to be players?

 

King: Everything you do is the same.

 

Sull: We are writers, Gil. To the death.

 

Gil: Can you at least tell us where we are?

 

Sull: The Black Pearl.

 

King: The HMS Pinafore, of course.

 

Gil: A pinafore?

 

Sull: No, Gil. A ship.

 

Gil: A ship as big as a pinafore, then.

 

Sull: Certainly.

 

Gil: That’s why he’s King of the Pinafore.

 

Sull: Yes. (to King) Thank you for that drama. Most moving.

 

King: Likewise. (He exits.)

 

Gil: We are, you know.

 

Sull: What?

 

Gil: Moving.

 

Sull: Where?

 

Gil: I don’t know.

 

Sull (starts flipping coin): Gil.

(flips)

Sull: Gil.

(flips)

Sull: Gil.

(flips)

Sull: Gil.

(flips)

Sull: Gil.

 

Gil: We need more action!

 

King (from off): PIRATE ATTACK!!

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