The Puny Wars

SCENE 1

Mercenary 1

My rump is sore.

Hannibal

Shut up, you.

Mercenary 1

No really, my butt is killing me!

Hannibal

It’s an elephant, not a davenport.

Mercenary 1

Yeah, but –

Hannibal

Keep your butt out of it! These elephants are going to win us Rome!

SCENE 2

Soldier 1

General! The Carthaginians have invaded!

Scipio

Bummer. No really, that rots. Hannibal?

Soldier 1

The very same. Whatever shall we do, Commander?

Scipio

We shall stay behind these wooden walls and pretend he isn’t there! Come over here, now cover your eyes like this! (Covers his face with his hands)

SCENE 3

Hannibal

These many months we have been pillaging and plundering and conquering our Roman enemies, and all you can think about is your stupid little bum?

Mercenary 1

I am telling you, riding this elephant is as comfortable as gouging out my eyes with a spatula – except it’s my butt – and it’s not a spatula, it’s an elephant.

Hannibal

Stop complaining, you wimp! We are conquering Rome!

Mercenary 1

Whatever.

SCENE 4 (two years later)

Soldier 1

Can we open our eyes, yet?

Scipio

Is he gone yet?

Soldier 1

I have no idea. We’ve been holding our eyes closed.

Scipio

Right. Well it seems to be working. I shall open my eyes. (They open their eyes)

Soldier 1

They appear to be gone, sir.

Scipio

Well, they’re not in Rome, anyway.

Soldier 1

Well, not your house, at least.

Scipio

Soldier! I should like to take this opportunity to attack Carthage! Let’s go! (They go to attack Carthage)

SCENE 5

Mercenary 1

Hannibal! Our scouts have just reported that Scipio and his men have been covering their eyes with their hands, and thereby cloaking themselves from our detection!

Hannibal

Scoundrels! No wonder we couldn’t find them.

Mercenary

Furthermore, they appear to have just uncovered their eyes!

Hannibal

Perfect!

Mercenary

And they’re marching for Carthage!

Hannibal

Crap.

SCENE 6

Hannibal

SCIPIO!

Scipio

HANNIBAL!

Hannibal

SCIPIO!

Scipio

HANNIBAL!

Hannibal

You burned my home, jerk!

Scipio

You burned my country, loser face!

Hannibal and Scipio

DIE! (They fight. Scipio Kills Hannibal. Soldier 1 and Mercenary 1 look at each other and shrug.)

END SCENE

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