Scene 2: Alice Meets Nicolas Rage

A: Elliot! ELLIOT!?

E: Oh my stars, Alice! You are so loud sometimes! I am right up here.

A: Oh. I didn’t see you there. Sorry.

E: So, what can I do for you, Miz Alice?

A: Uh… I just wanted to say thanks.

E: Whatever for, Alice?

A: Showing me your home yesterday. It was really cool.

E: Hmph. You didn’t really get the full tour, now did you?

A: I couldn’t help that. My dad called me. I had to go to bed. But that branch, Elliot. Wow. That’s a good branch!

E: Are you making fun of me? Cause you haven’t seen the half of my house yet!

A: Haha. I’m just teasing, Elliot. I do think the branch is lovely. Can I come up and sit with you?

E: You see that, there?

A: Oh Elliot! Did you get this apple crate just for me?

E: What’s a good home without a good set of stairs, anyway? Am I right? Besides, you’re a sucky climber.

A: Hey! Don’t be mean!

E: Okay, then don’t use the box. Suit yourself.

A: Well of course I’m a bad climber. You haven’t taught me yet. Silly Boy. That doesn’t mean you have to be mean about it. Now help me up!

E: Yes, Ma’am.

A: There. Am I getting better?

E: The box helps.

A: Woah! Elliot! What is that!?

E: It’s a door, stupid.

A: Well of course is it’s a door, Elliot. But how is it up here?! I didn’t see it here yesterday!

E: You weren’t looking for it, Alice.

A: I wasn’t looking for it now.

E: I think you were, Alice.

A: Don’t be ridiculous, Elliot. Silly boy. Where does it go, anyway?

E: You can only do two things with doors, Alice.

A: Open them or close them?

E: Uh, huh.

A: This one is closed.

E: Sure is, genius.

A: Okay, smarty pants! I guess I’ll open it then!

–

A: It’s so dark and loud in here?! Where is that music coming from? Elliot! Where are you?!

E: Alice! I’m right behind you.

A: Where are we?

E: This is my uncle’s room.

A: Your uncle?

E: Yeah!

A: This doesn’t seem like a room to me. It’s more like a dance party! Where did all these people come from?

E: Friends of my Uncle Nic, I suppose. He usually has some kind of party going on.

A: Well, aren’t you going to introduce me, Elliot? Where is he?

E: Come on. Follow me.

N: For the last time, Lavinia, I said the apple tarts must be served warm!

E: Uncle Nic!

N: What good is a cold tart, anyway?! Can you seriously see yourself eating this? No?! Then why the blazes would my guests eat them?! It’s crap, total and utter crap, Lavinia! Now go and heat them up in the toaster oven!

E: Uncle Nic!

N: Hmm?! Elliot?! Oh Elliot, my boy! It’s good to see you, lad! Care for a cold toaster pastry? They’re apple, of course. I made them myself.

E: It still has the wrapper on….

N: I made that too. Took the better part of a week, this one.

E: No thanks, Nic.

N: Who is this here? I see you got my invitation! I don’t recall you listing a plus one…

E: This is my house, Uncle Nic. I can have guests if I like.

N: Well a little advance notice would have been nice, little sir. Now, what have we here? Enchanté, Mademoiselle! Nicolas Rage, at your service.

A: Um. Alice, sir. My name is Alice. I live in the house near the Apple Tree.

N: There’s a house nearby the house?

E: Yes, Uncle Nic. The trailer over that way.

N: It’s hardly a house, isn’t it?

A: Well….

N: But it surely must be a palace to house a lovely princess like yourself!

E: I’m giving Alice a tour of our house, Uncle Nic.

N: Of course you are! Pop tart?

A: No thanks.

N: No! I insist!

N: Elliot, my boy. You know not to take our little guest into the west wing, don’t you?

E: I’ll take her where I like, Uncle Nic. Thanks so very much.

N: But Elliot! You mustn’t! Dear Saints and Stars that shine! You mustn’t!

A: What’s in the west wing?

E: Well, you s-

N: A thousand, thousand years ago, this tree was planted by a young girl. Back then this town was nothing more than a thought in the mind of God, and instead – a magical, mystical, mighty forest of doom existed here. Now you see, this girl was planting this apple tree, this magical apple tree with a magical apple seed. She had hoped that it might bring some good into this dark and desolate place. But she did not know that she was being watched, and just after she planted it, the evil crow king, Methuselah, swooped down from a tall swoopedy-swoop of a dying oak tree and dug up the seed. With a jagged talon, he etched a small piece of the helpless seed away, and replaced it with the eye of a rotten toad. He put it back in the blackened soil, and as the tree grew and grew, the western side of the tree became more and more wretched, reeking of evil and darkness and cold toaster pastries. It became a home for all of Methuselah’s minions – and toads tried to make it their home too, but it turns out, they suck at climbing. Just smacked their slimy little bellies against the bark of the tree, and slid right back down. So now, to this day, the Evil Crow King stalks the halls and walls of the Western Wing with wary wiles and scary smiles and devours all who come his way………..

A: ………….. Is that really what happened. . .

N: Hahahahaha. No! Just termites. You could fall to your death!

E: Well, we really should be going.

A: Ah, yes, well. . . Thank you for the toaster pastry!

N: Fare well, little Alice! Until we meet again! Fare thee well!  . . .  LAVINIA!? Where in the devil’s blazer are my toaster pastries?!

 

~j.d.schofield